


You Better Know (there’s a wild world waiting for you as you are)

by tukimecca



Series: Everything that makes me whole (I'll dedicate them all to you) [9]
Category: NCT (Band), Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Canon Related, Comfort, Donghyuck is a nice kid, Friendship, Growing Up, Jaehyun is a nice Hyung, M/M, donghyuck/yeri if you squint, markhyuck if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-04-13
Packaged: 2019-04-22 04:28:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14300811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tukimecca/pseuds/tukimecca
Summary: Donghyuck wonders if he should console Yerim. He consults Jaehyun. He learns about growing up and overcoming your fear.





	You Better Know (there’s a wild world waiting for you as you are)

**Author's Note:**

> The ‘Donghyuck & Yeri consoling each other’ has been dancing in my head for a while, especially with what happened early last year. The ‘Yeri patting Donghyuck’s head’ was my final straw; nobody asked for Donghyuck/Yerim, but I’m asking for one, so- BOOM! LET ME MAKE THIS HAPPEN!
> 
> This is more about growing up and friendship than romance. Albeit I admit, I wanted to make it about romance. But as I write, I realize there’s less portion of said romance other than for jaeyong, so, I decided to omit that.
> 
> Apologize for any mistakes, timeline or place inaccuracy. Events mentioned; MBC Gayo Daejejun 2017/12/31

_It’s natural that you are lost like a clumsy child,_  
_On this unfamiliar path, it’s alright to take a rest_ _  
Like that wild flower, you’ll bloom slowly_

You Better Know - Red Velvet

:::

Donghyuck wonders if he should tell her to ignore the hate comments.

Donghyuck wonders if she’d even take it seriously at all, because Donghyuck knows it; knows her. She’ll probably give him a funny look, smile that confused yet playful smile of hers, and call him silly.

To be fair, she has all the right to call him silly. First, she is older. Second, she’s been in this industry longer that he has. Third, she rarely ever takes him seriously at all, except when they’re being two ‘little brats’, as Mark has kindly put it, to have their idea of good time and accidentally annoying the shit out of people around them.

She practically has more experience than him in dealing with shitty comments and nasty things people wrote about you on the internet. If there was a rapport of having malicious comments, she’d probably win over him a _huge_ time. She garners unnecessary hate just by being a girl alone. Her bright, bubbly, and friendly personality that charms everyone only adds fuel to the flame of jealousy.

Compared to her, what Donghyuck had, and is dealing with, is small. His advice is probably something she already knows and has memorized in the back of her head. Even if she won’t call him silly, she probably won’t take his words seriously either.

Admittedly, that’ll bruise his ego. A little bit. Because Donghyuck is a man, too, and he might be younger than her, but he has his pride, and he wants to protect her still. Donghyuck wonders if his ego can take that little bruising, or if telling her his concern is even worth that small bruising at all.

Spending a lot of time with someone with a giant ego, like Jeong Jaehyun, who does everything with utmost dedication and precise-accuracy to achieve the best, virtually flawless result really, _really_ rubs on him.

Not that Donghyuck hates it; he has long since admired his roommate. Jaehyun is great motivation, both mentally and physically. But, he can still get a little bit too stubborn sometimes, borderline childish even, and it’s not easy to win arguments against him because you know how well he does every single little thing. It’s like you don’t even deserve to question him in the first place for how _whole_ he is and _lacking_ you are.

Jaehyun inspires Donghyuck to do the same; work harder, think broader. Do your best so nobody can criticize you. Donghyuck cannot deny how proud it makes him feel, the sense of self-satisfaction that comes when you see the fruit of your labour, but it also came with this huge stroke of ego.

And he is not sure if his now inflated ego can take a little dent at all.

Speaking of Jaehyun, his Hyung could probably offer him a piece of solid advice.

Correction; he _can_ offer him a piece of solid advice. After all, Jaehyun has been dealing with, not exactly the same, but a similar problem this past week.

He’d have confided in Mark; his best friend, his partner, his soulmate, his _confidante_ , his brother. Mark is someone he looks up too, for as long as he’s admired Jaehyun, or maybe even longer, and still does, now. For that reason alone, Mark’d be the first person he turns to whenever he has a problem.

Usually.

This time, the case is not _usual_ , and he knows Mark so well that he doesn’t think, with all due respect to his beloved brother, that Mark is the right person for _this_.

After all, Donghyuck knows Mark as well as Mark knows him, and he can say that Mark has little interest in _this_ . He’s not saying that Mark has no interest at all, he said; _little_. It’s just that Mark has his priorities straight, his career is the first thing in line, and the opposite sex is something that doesn’t have a place in his head. Currently. For the time being.

He is Mark Lee, he doesn’t half-ass things. Donghyuck is not saying that Taeyong is half-assing per se, Taeyong does an incredible job of juggling his responsibilities as a leader and as a, well, lover, of someone who’s currently sleeping soundly a couple of inches beside Donghyuck.

Taeyong is Taeyong, and Mark is Mark. Both of them are Donghyuck’s leaders and they have different approaches to their responsibilities. For Mark, his career comes first, and that’s what he should be investing his 100% into. Career comes first too for Taeyong, but it doesn’t mean he cannot give his 100% to other different things as well. It’s just a difference of perspective, really, and Donghyuck enjoys both of their leadership.

But, while Taeyong can give him help for _this_ thing, Mark probably cannot. Hell, until a while ago, Mark was still red-faced at the thought of him and a girl being alone together. He floundered like a fish at the prospect of having to host with a girl and Donghyuck had to help him, “breathe, Hyung. Breathe. They’re girls. Just girls, they don’t bite.”

“What if I hurt them?? Or accidentally say something that hurts their feelings?”

Donghyuck had rolled his eyes at that. He is _Mark Lee_. He couldn’t even hurt a fly. “They’ll probably think you’re cute. You’re awkward as a potato, they’ll think it’s your charm.”

Thankfully, that had passed relatively well without a hitch, and a couple of songwriting camps with Taeyong have probably, _probably_ , whipped him into shape. No pun intended.

Please, how could he not with all the lyrics Taeyong had written. Donghyuck had teased him mercilessly about it but the horrid expression on Mark’s face immediately put him to stop in utmost pity.

He hated Taeyong for a little while after that. Just a little, because it, obviously, had _whipped_ Mark into shape and he didn’t flop around at the idea of working with girls at all anymore.

Donghyuck secretly thinks because Mark realised working with girls is nothing compared to working with Taeyong and that too creative and too expressive, _and_ too _liberal_ head of his. Heart.

Need.

Donghyuck suddenly thinks of Jaehyun and shudders. Whatever. He _doesn’t_ want to know.

Right, Jaehyun. He shouldn’t be thinking of Mark because Mark can offer his ears to listen but hasn’t got a solution to offer. Most likely. No offense to Mark, but Donghyuck knows Mark well enough that his too kind of a brother will end up stressing over it like Donghyuck’s dilemma is his own. He has enough on his plate, Donghyuck would hate to add more, especially with something like _this_.

Also, maybe it’s his ego talking. He wants Mark to stop treating him like a child. He wants to show Mark that Donghyuck is fully capable of taking matters into his own hand and solving it without Mark guiding him around. He wants to make Mark _proud_ that the little boy who always trailed after him is now a fully grown adult.

And, he wants _her_ to think of him as one, too. A man. He has no doubt that if Donghyuck tries to lecture her, she’d think he got it from Mark.

Which is, well, at least until today, it’s true. He got it all from Mark. Who else would it be, really?

Donghyuck wants to be independent, to stop being in Mark’s shadow. Not because he hates Mark or anything, but as long as he’s there, he doesn’t think people will treat him seriously. They already think of  him as nothing but a little trickster, and honestly, that stung his pride more than a little bit.

He is not 10 years old forever, he is soon to be twenty, a legal and fully fledged adult. Donghyuck wants to shed that image of him, and if being able to stand on his own without Mark is his way to it, then he’ll happily do so. It’s for Mark’s sake, too. How is he supposed to protect Mark if nobody is taking him seriously?

Which is his problem with _this_ , too. She probably doesn’t take Donghyuck seriously. A little brother, that’s how she’s been treating him. And while it was fun, that was back then when the world _was_ a lot smaller. There was only him, her, and a handful of their friends.

They were kids. Mischievous children with dreams and ideas in their heads. Now older, they realize their ideal won’t protect them against anything. Obviously, there’s a limit to how much their positivism can protect them against the harsh words being uttered about them on the internet.

Donghyuck had been unfortunate enough to be on the receiving end of that malice. He was young, barely eighteen. Back when he’s still a trainee, there were people who hated him for being an SM trainee alone, sure, but they’re people that had at least had a glimpse of Donghyuck in real life and Donghyuck had too, so, he can brush them off easier. They don’t have a hand in Donghyuck’s career either, and that definitely helped him overcoming jealousy directed at him.

But then it’s the people on the internet, people who had next to zero knowledge about him. He had seen how it ruined someone as strong and brilliant as Taeyong, he had seen how it hitched Taeyong’s career, and for the first time in his life, Donghyuck was terrified.

It wasn’t easy to leave that dark, dingy space in his head. It was terrible. It was bleak and desolate. It was a place he didn’t wish to visit nor fall into anymore. He wouldn’t wish anyone, no matter how terrible and wrong they are, to fall into that pit.

 _Well_ , maybe he can make an exception for some horrible ass-holes and douchebags. Just some.

The thing is, she had fallen there, probably not once or twice, but thrice and more. Now, she is, once again, the target of that mindless hatred. It infuriates Donghyuck greatly; when he first read it, he was utterly flabbergasted at how heartless people can be. She just wanted to see her _brother_ for the last time, someone personally close to her and who had done so many great things to help her in the past. How could they condemn her in her grief?

Donghyuck’s response had been to smash his phone on the bed, before throwing himself on to the said bed, burying his head on the pillow, and screaming his lungs out. It was late at night, somewhere past one. Jaehyun, who was fluffing his pillow, gave Donghyuck a sleepy, worried look.

“Anything wrong?”

With muffled voice, Donghyuck replied, “no.”

“Okay,” a pause. Donghyuck knew what was coming next. “Is it okay if-”

“Taeyong-hyung can sleep here.”

There was a hand on his head, affectionate ruffle from a big, warm palm. He felt consoled, just a bit, in his ire. “Thank you, Donghyuck-ah. If you feel like telling me, you know where to find me.”

He answered, “by my bed.” Jaehyun laughed, gave him a pat on the back this time, before leaving to call Taeyong.

When Taeyong entered, Donghyuck had rolled onto his side, giving him a full look at their leader. He looked _miserable_ , to say the least. Black, long fringe covering his swollen, puffy eyes. He looked a lot thinner, reminiscent of his debut days when the whole world came undone under his feet.

The dark under his eyes told Donghyuck he had barely gotten any sleep. The three of them would know; after all, Taeyong had practically spent the last week sleeping in Jaehyun’s bed instead of his own. Even then, accompanied by the person who gave him the most comfort, he was still haunted by the demons of his head.

Taeyong, who wasn’t that close to the person they had just lost, was this bad. Donghyuck was scared to even imagine how she’s faring. Then, there were those heartless opinions made about her. Everything just exasperated Donghyuck even further.

That’s how Donghyuck found himself in his current predicament: to try or not to try consoling her.

The most logical option would be consoling her, definitely. Except that after considering other factors aforementioned above - his age and her experience, suddenly, it’s not so _logical_ anymore for him to come and try to help her. What can he even do to lift that weight off her shoulders?

Nothing.

Right, a sad and horrible truth but truth nonetheless; _nothing_.

Like how he wonders about of a lot of things, Donghyuck wonders too if this is worth the first fifteen minutes of his day.

Probably not, but then he thinks of how hard must it be on her, how heartbroken she has been when he caught a glimpse of her, and how devastated almost everyone around him is, and he cannot help that part of him that thinks it’s _worth_ it.

His train of thought is broken by Jaehyun’s voice, rough and edged with sleep. “What’s with the long face?”

“Nothing,” Donghyuck said at first. But then, because he is Donghyuck, he adds, “how long do you think it is?”

Jaehyun laughs, sounding so close. Donghyuck doesn’t turn around for various reasons, like he simply doesn’t feel like turning around and it’s still awkward for him to look at Jaehyun face to face in such close proximity. Even Johnny still finds it awkward. There’s also that fact that he finds Jaehyun incredibly _dashing_ : just because he had only openly fawned over Taeyong’s visual doesn’t mean he doesn’t appreciate Jaehyun’s.

Anyways, he doesn’t turn around. And Jaehyun seems to be fine with that. Donghyuck hears the rustle of sheets, and from the corner of his eye, he catches Jaehyun turning onto his side, staring at his face.

“Let’s say the distance of earth and the sun.”

“Longer than Taeyong-hyung’s legs?”

Jaehyun sputters at that. This time, Donghyuck steals a glance because it’s not every time he could throw Jaehyun off-guard. His face is flushed.

Donghyuck also remembers why he didn’t want to turn around: because he knew, even if Taeyong didn’t sleep in Jaehyun’s bed last night, it didn’t mean they’re not up to _something_. He just want to avoid his eyes for looking somewhere they shouldn’t be, only to find something they shouldn’t see.

“Taeyong-hyung’s legs are long, I agree.”

“So which one is longer?”

Jaehyun playfully hits his shoulder, “don’t avoid the topic.”

“I thought we’re talking about length?” He counters, faking obliviousness.

Another hit, this time, harder. A little bit, because Jaehyun is too lazy to use his full strength in the morning. “Donghyuck-ah.”

He doesn’t seem to be too lazy to use that stern tone, though, and when he uses that, it actually means _actual_ business, and you should give him what he wants or he will, well, _make_ you do it even if you don’t want to. “I’ve been thinking.”

“Obviously.”

Donghyuck shoots him a glare. At least, attempts to, because Jaehyun like _this_ is more difficult to deal with. Like Taeyong in dance practice. You just don’t try to negotiate. You can’t. But Donghyuck is having a hard time, and he wishes Jaehyun could be a little more forgiving. He really _is_ beating himself up about this even if it doesn’t show, or, obviously, it shows. After all, Jaehyun is asking him about it, right?

Jaehyun should be more, well, _understanding_ as well. Donghyuck has little doubt that Jaehyun cannot understand this. Rather, Jaehyun would understand this, better than anyone else Donghyuck knows. Jaehyun has been spending his past couple of days doing what Donghyuck wished he could do, and very excellently at that, too.

It’s impressive how Jaehyun still had it in him to take care of people around him when he’s grieving himself. Which is exactly why, maybe, Donghyuck should just confide in Jaehyun. There’s no better - and easier - option. Jaehyun is offering his help right now, Donghyuck should just take it instead of going on and on alone in his maze of clueless thoughts.

The elder stares at him, expectant. “Well?”

Donghyuck wonders if it is really worth sharing his thoughts at all, because it includes making himself vulnerable. Donghyuck also realizes that if he wanted to share his thoughts, then it’s better to share it with someone who has a high chance of understanding him, on top of being willing.

And Jaehyun is exactly that; willing. Understanding.

Donghyuck bites the bullet. “There’s this person.”

“Do I know this person?”

He ponders for a while, “you do.”

“Hmm,” Jaehyun pauses, “older? Younger?”

“Depends.”

“So, older than you, and younger than me.”

Wide-eyed, Donghyuck fully turns to his side, facing Jaehyun who has this amused, lopsided smirk on his infuriatingly dashing face. “What? How?”

The said infuriatingly dashing man quirks a single brow under his messy strewn of brown hair. “Bullseye?”

Donghyuck huffs. Frustrated, both at his own blunder and how infuriatingly handsome Jaehyun is. Mostly at himself, though, how could he be _that_ easy? “Yeah, she is older than me.”

Donghyuck gapes again. Jaehyun smirks, he positively _gloats_ at yet another of Donghyuck’s blunder.

“Shit.”

“Language.”

“Umm,” Donghyuck tries, “blimey?” in fully accented British English.

Jaehyun laughs again, the corner of his eyes wrinkling. It’s more likely that he laughs at Donghyuck’s adorableness ( _thank you!_ ) than at his clumsiness. “Where did you learn that?”

“Harry Potter?” Again, with accent.

“Right, Harry Potter,” Jaehyun snorts. “So, it’s a _she_ , and older than you, but younger than me.”

“Please don’t put a face on her,” Donghyuck begs, giving Jaehyun his best, pleading puppy-look. Taeyong’s work like wonder, they make Jaehyun soft like butter on a heated pan.

When Jaehyun’s smirk persists still, Donghyuck realizes he is not Taeyong, not only because he doesn’t have that luxurious, other-wordly gorgeous face of Taeyong’s, but also because he is not Taeyong who also happened to be Jaehyun’s-

 _Well_ , probably he shouldn’t say it.

It’s embarrassing enough that he confessed his deep, dark secret - okay, maybe it’s not that dark, but it’s certainly deep since it basically revolves around grief and mourning. If Jaehyun ever knew the person in question, it’ll further dent Donghyuck’s already-smarting ego.

Unfortunately, this is Jaehyun, and as hell-bent as he is on helping Donghyuck, he’s just as hell-bent on knowing who this girl is that Donghyuck is pulling all his hair out for.

“Is it Yerim?”

Donghyuck wants to, to, _to_ -

Donghyuck doesn’t know what to do. He does know that even if he knew, there’s no saving his, well, _pride_.

There goes his image. Mischievous Donghyuck, getting his knickers in a knot about girls. “It's not about _that_ ,” he blurts out suddenly, not exactly knowing why he did, or maybe he knows. Or maybe he doesn’t, for his head is a jumbled mess of words, and feelings, and Yerim, and-

“So, what is it about?” Jaehyun responds calmly. It could have been Donghyuck’s imagination, but he’s scooting closer to his _dongsaeng_.

“Well, it’s-” Donghyuck pauses with a huff, searching around his head for the proper words.

He still doesn’t how to broach this topic; he doesn’t want to come out as tactless or insensitive. It’s about someone who had gone, someone who decided to stop putting up a fight and is seen as coward by some people. Yet, he is someone who _was_ , for people who knew him personally, known to be smart, thoughtful, hard-worker and inspiring. Strong.

It’s part of his ongoing trouble. Aside from not knowing how to console Yerim, he doesn’t know how to broach the topic to begin with. For someone bright and straight-forward, she is also on the sensitive side. She hurts easily, Donghyuck knows.

He didn’t spend three years knowing her without paying attention to details like this. Heck, there’s no way he could be her _partner in crime_ without knowing how easily affected she actually is; he knows the line he shouldn’t cross, so when the time comes, he can stop people from walking over it.

But that was then when they were still together, naive trainees with rose-colored lenses over their eyes. Now, in their own respective groups with their equally hectic schedule, it’s becoming harder and harder for them to even stay in contact.

That, and Yerim has obviously changed, too, over the years. The industry changed her, or maybe it’s just human’s tendency to change in general, getting restless about staying the same. Bottom line is, she has changed, so does her line of limit. Donghyuck doesn’t know whether it has expanded or rather shrunk; he doesn’t know if his child-like frankness is something she still welcomes.

“It’s complicated,” he eventually says, sighing in defeat. He hates himself, he doesn’t even know how to properly word all the thoughts inside his head. Why can’t he be more eloquent with his words? Like Mark, for example. Like Yerim.

Sensing his distress, Jaehyun reaches over for his head, giving it a brotherly, affectionate ruffle. “Can’t sort it out?”

“Difficult,” he says, both petulant and upset.

Another ruffle. Understanding smile. Encouragement. “If it helps, I’m not that good with words either.”

That. Donghyuck blinks. “Hyung is?”

“Well, when it comes to my own feelings, at least. It’s not easy, it’s different to, you know, talking about other things that don’t involve me. Like the weather. Or someone else, not me. Umm,” Jaehyun fumbles, and Donghyuck feels a little weight being lifted off his chest.

He did think that Jaehyun could understand his fear and worry, but he didn’t think Jaehyun would understand _this_ _kind_ of problem, too. “Yeah, Hyung. It helps. It’s difficult.”

Jaehyun smiles, ears a little pink. “Right, you understand. So, take it easy. Don’t think too much, it’ll just stop you.”

Donghyuck wonders, except he probably doesn’t have to wonder alone anymore now that he has Jaehyun holding the sign post for him. “Did you think too much, too?”

“About?”

“Taeyong-hyung. The scandal. Your debut,” he lays down all his cards on the table, avoiding Jaehyun’s steady gaze. “This week. His stress. Everything. Do you-” A pause. A scramble in the dark for the right words. Right question. “Helping him, how did you manage to help him? How were, how did-”

“Are you scared?” Jaehyun cuts him off. Donghyuck is drowning, and that intervention is the buoy that he needs.

He nods. His answer comes out short and quiet. “Very.”

Simple. Overly honest. Jaehyun should understand, they both have the distance called ‘age’ between them and people they want to help, they have another distance called ‘experience’ separating them, too.

Jaehyun does. He retracts his hand from Donghyuck’s head, using it to hug his pillow under his chin instead. Hesitantly, Donghyuck dares to look at him. Like this, with his bed-hair strewn around his face, lips pulled together with a lost, distant expression on his sleepy face, he looks familiarly young.

That’s right, he’s only 3 years older than Donghyuck. He is not any older than Doyoung or Ten. He is three years younger than the eldest one in their team, too. Jaehyun was once the _maknae_ of their group. Donghyuck feels funny, suddenly. He didn’t think he and Jaehyun would share so much similarity.

But apparently, they do: it isn’t much, but for all there is, it’s probably what attracts him to Jaehyun. He is handsome, cool, hard-working. His Hyung is the picture of perfection, loved and adored by many. He thought that’s all there is to him, but if so, he wouldn’t be so interesting to Donghyuck.

Now, as he watches Jaehyun getting lost in thought, Donghyuck realizes that maybe this human part of him is what makes him drawn to him in the first place, like he is to Mark. Jaehyun and Mark calls each other ‘other half’ after all, it shouldn’t be that surprising.

Donghyuck wonders again if it’s something that comes with being Mark’s half and Mark’s best friend. As they both can understand Mark better than anyone else, they’re on the similar, if not the same page. He just didn’t expect that someone who seems to be so out of his bounds like Jaehyun can relate with someone like him; there’s nothing alike at all between the two.

“Me too, I was so scared, I didn’t,” Jaehyun starts, breaking Donghyuck from his reverie. He pauses, frowns, then continues. “I didn’t think I’m the right person, for it? If that makes sense.”

“It does,” Donghyuck nods, likening his situation with Jaehyun’s. “I’m younger than her.”

“Two years,” Jaehyun chuckles, ”all I ever want is to be like him. I admire him, adore him. Taeyong-hyung is my goal. For me, back then and even now, he is someone so big. He’s so out of my reach.”

“Hyung, she debuted a year before me.”

The elder of the two smiles, sympathetic. “That must suck.”

“A blow to my pride, I must say.” Donghyuck admitted. “She didn’t take me seriously before, I mean, I’m younger as it is, but then she had to go and debut before me, rubbed it in my face.”

“Definitely sucks.” Jaehyun cringes for him, looking equally frustrated now.

He gets it, and Donghyuck’s heart races in excitement. “Hyung, she can just, exists, a year older, and it bothers me as I am. She keeps treating me as a child, and, well, I,” he sighs, “I liked it, being treated as her younger brother-”

“Pampered, adored,” Jaehyun supplies with a nod.

“Sometimes she bought me things because she’s my _noona_ , Hyung. I liked the attention, liked being her _dongsaeng_. Well, she makes me do things too, of course.”

A nostalgic smile warms up his face, recalling the days when Yerim would make him buy her snacks or just carry her bag. Then another day came, and it’d be Yerim who called him fondly, patted his head while cooing at how good her small, little ‘Donghyuckkie’ is at singing, boasting about him proudly to her other friends.

“Yah, Donghyuckkie over here will be SM’s future best vocalist, just wait and see!” She had said, nose in the air and little Donghyuck grinned, cocky, but ears a little pink.

He’s not saying they’re inseparable but when it’s good, he’d be the first boy she picked to tag along, even though there are Mark and the other boys who’re closer to her age. Mark had dubbed them ‘little demons’, in English, and they both wore the tag with pride, further infuriating the already exasperated Mark who was often on the receiving end of their antics.

“But that’s not enough. I don’t want to be just someone she comes to to have fun. I’m a man, too, I want to protect her. Well, I don’t have to be a man to protect her, you can say. I can be her _dongsaeng_ and I still want to protect her because she’s my _noona_ , like I want to protect all of you. But...”

But when the low came, they’re not together. At least not always. Donghyuck had tried to console her whenever he saw her looking depressed, but most of the time, she’ll either brush him off, or they’d end up fighting because according to Yerim, he’s not sensitive enough.

His fear right now is not just the result of nothing, no, he had tried to console her enough in the past to know she didn’t exactly depend on him for things like this. She didn’t _trust_ him, and although Yerim has changed, Donghyuck doesn’t think this part of her had. Why would she, when she’s friend with people who are more experienced than both of them, like Taeyeon or Irene.

Or Jonghyun-sunbae. Donghyuck suddenly cannot breathe. The _late_ Jonghyun-sunbae. His heart clenches in its chest. It’s painful to think about him, it still is, and maybe always will be, even for years to come.

“But, she won’t see me as one. She has- I’m just-” the words won’t get out - _can’t_. Donghyuck feels his eyes getting hot, his throat growing tight.

Jaehyun watches him for a while, patient, waiting. But Donghyuck still can’t get anything out, only abusing his bottom lips in frustration as he blinks his eyes to get rid of the pooling tears, heaving a sigh here and there to try making it easier.

It doesn’t get easy. It hurts. He thinks of the late Jonghyun-sunbae and how much Yerim adores him, and how heartbroken she has been after the news hit them like a freight train.

It hurts, like someone is tearing his flesh open with a dull knife to gouge his bones. He feels like crying at thought of losing someone he respects and looks up to. Someone who practically inspired him to be here now in this agency and industry.

He feels like crying at the thought that his pain is nothing compared to the anguish Yerim feels.

“Is it about what happened last week?” Jaehyun asks after realizing Donghyuck needs some time to compose himself. His voice is calm, mid-day serene sea.

Donghyuck remembers this to be the same tone he used when he was talking to Taeyong, trying to calm him down after he’s roused violently awake by nightmare. He thought of how nice it is to be soothed by that voice, and indeed, it feels good. It’s like that voice alone will keep harm away from him.

Still, he cannot use his voice yet, so he only nods mutely in response. Jaehyun reaches out for his hand, clasping theirs together gently. “I’m so sorry.”

Donghyuck just gives him a questioning look; _what for_?

“For her, for you,” he continues as if understanding the silent question. “For Sunbae, of course. For everything. Everyone. It shouldn’t have happened, but-”

A pause, and Jaehyun is looking so distant again. Donghyuck has a hunch of what he is thinking- _who_ he is thinking about. Black hair. Black eyes. Sunken face. Unceasing sobbing in the crook of Jaehyun’s neck.

Soft whisper of, “You’re not fine, but it’s fine. You will be fine. We will be fine. One day, we will be healed. Like he’s gone but he’s healed. We will be fine.”

“How did you do it?” Donghyuck croaks out, his voice sounds a little hoarse, his throat still feels tight. He squeezes Jaehyun’s hand back. “Hyung, how did you help him? How did you find the courage to do it?”

Jaehyun understands his malady; nobody would do it as well as Jaehyun. Jaehyun has been in Donghyuck’s shoes too; a _dongsaeng_ , pampered, made to do things, loved, taken care of, babied. Even now, maybe Taeyong still sees Jaehyun as his little, baby brother. There was that one rolling paper last year when Taeyong appointed Jaehyun and him as the _maknae_ of the group.

Not even Mark, who’s younger than Jaehyun, or Winwin, who’s the unofficial-official baby of the group. Jaehyun. Jaehyun, who all the Dream members look up to and the elder members no longer feel the need to fuss over.

How did Jaehyun manage to cross that border that Taeyong had set up around him and eventually present himself as not a dongsaeng but someone he can depend on?

It surely came before he and Taeyong became a thing (if they’re even _officially_ a thing at all, it’s not something they had ever really talk nor explained to the members, more like something they all noticed but collectively decided not to address in order to respect the two of them). Donghyuck doesn’t think it’s necessary either for them to be attracted romantically for Taeyong to find trust in Jaehyun.

It must have been something that Jaehyun had done. Donghyuck, on top of needing to know what he had done, also needs to know how did he get it done himself.

He needs to know how, so he can put an end to the cowardice noise in his head, and go to help her.

“I don’t want to see him sad,” Jaehyun starts. He sounds melancholic. He looks melancholic, a tender and thoughtful expression on his face. “I thought, I think, I don’t want to see him sad. It’s painful. It feels like I couldn’t breathe whenever I see him with a hard expression. I don’t want it. I hate it. I’ll do anything to make him smile, to make him happy. Even if it means enduring seeing him in pain, more than anyone else, I’d do it, a thousand times over, as long as it means he will be alright in the end.”

 _“You’re not fine, but it’s fine. You will be fine. We will be fine. One day, we will be healed.”_ Donghyuck can hear it clearly in his head, those words of consolation. It had crossed his mind upon hearing them for the first time that it’s nothing but an empty, fickle, and irresponsible promise.

Maybe it’s not a promise at all. Maybe it’s not even a reassurance. Maybe it’s a prayer. Jaehyun’s wish, uttered to God or a mightier being who bothers to listen, that one day, they - his beloved, can find peace.

“But wasn’t it scary?” Donghyuck asks softly. If only it was that easy, if just by thinking how much he hates seeing Yerim sad is enough, he would have consoled her already.

But it’s not easy. There’s a thing called rejection, and he had dealt with it enough in the past to know how powerless he is. Then there’s also this maddening thing called his own head pulling all sorts of horrible scenarios that, if he assessed it more calmly and with a more rational mind, have less than 50% chance of ever happening.

Donghyuck needs it, the courage to break free from the confine of his own thoughts. He needs it so he can go to help her. Regardless of whether she needs it or not.

“It was, of course. Like you, I thought a lot over whether he’ll appreciate it, my help, someone younger than him, someone he always,” he chuckles, self-deprecating, “ _babied_. Will he even listen to me at all? Will he take my advice seriously? It’s always been him guiding me, how could I guide someone who’s been doing that for me? Won’t it hurt? Him, his pride. Will he take it as an offense instead?”

Donghyuck’s heart aches for Jaehyun. He understands. He understands his Hyung’s plight very much. It feels like listening to someone narrating his own story.

“But then, then I thought, if it wasn’t me, then who would?”

“Many other people,” Donghyuck cannot help but cuts him. Jaehyun understands. He should have understands.

What he received is not a look of annoyance, but a flicker of recognition behind those citrine eyes. A grateful smile. “Yeah, so many other people. Older. Wiser. More experienced.”

 _He understands,_ and Donghyuck unconsciously squeezes Jaehyun’s hand again. “But not me.”

“Not me,” Jaehyun agrees, rubbing his thumb on Donghyuck’s knuckle. “Not me, and I don’t want it to be anyone else, maybe. I want it to be me. I want it to be me who wipes his tears, to make him laugh, to make him smile,” he adds wistfully. “I want it to be me who he turns to when he’s sad. I want it to be me who he trust to uplift his mood. I want it to be me who he talk to when he’s happy, I want it to be me, me and no one else, who can protect him, who can keep him safe. Who can make his world a better place, or at least make it feel like one, because the world is,”  and his expression turns sour.

“Not a good place.”

“ _Fair_ ,” Jaehyun almost spat the word out of his mouth, the corner of lips twisting into a bitter smile. “Taeyong-hyung said, _‘the world is fair, Jaehyunnie. With good comes the bad, it’s only fair. It has to take care of millions of people other than us, it cannot always come to indulge us, someday, it will turn its back on us_.”

“That’s,” Donghyuck blinks, startled. “True.”

He remembers that, back then when he was rooming with Taeyong, the elder would go on, _prattling_ , about his life-lesson (that Donghyuck pretended to tune out, but actually, listened and took it dear to his heart). Yet, it never took this grimly factual of a turn.

It must have come with Taeyong’s experience, of having to deal with the said _fairness_ of the world. Donghyuck was given the similar opportunity, too, earlier this year. Those were sad, dismal days. He assumed it’s still nothing compared to what Taeyong had to endure.

How did Jaehyun find the courage to console such a person, then, when he had literally zero experience of having people’s opinion turned against him? Jaehyun knew nothing but love, of being loved, and adored, of having people cherishing him. He never once, at least when he was trying to _win_ the permission to soothe Taeyong’s wound, had people hating him.

He didn’t know what it’s like. He wouldn’t understand. How Taeyong could let him in was another question in itself: didn’t it hurt his pride, to know that he had to seek solace from someone who always took shelter under his wings? Taeyong is as prideful as Jaehyun is, how did he let go of his ego? Was it, after all, the weight of his sorry that made him relent?

“And if the world is fair, then maybe, maybe this age thing between us, doesn’t really matter, you know? It doesn’t matter if I’m younger, it doesn’t matter if he’s more experienced,” Jaehyun continues, “it doesn’t matter. At all. Everyone’s supposed to have the same chance, yeah?”

“Was that how you did it, Hyung?”

Jaehyun shrugs, the closest to it he could do in his position, anyways. “More or less.”

“But it shouldn’t be as easy,” the younger murmurs, casting his gaze downward to their joined hands. “If it’s that easy, just because I don’t wanna lose to anyone in consoling her,” _a mere jealousy_ , “it should be easy, at least, easier than this. My fear won’t diminish just because I know the world is fair. Just because it’s fair, it doesn’t mean it’s easy to accept it at all. I still-”

“Just stop thinking, Donghyuck-ah,” Jaehyun interjects. Another buoy for the drowning boy. “Just stop thinking of what will happen, just stop thinking of,” a pause, a frown. A thoughtful moment of silence. “Just stop thinking about yourself, because in the end, even if know what you’re worried about is  how hurt you’ll be if she rejected you, and even if her rejection means a dent in your pride, a mock to your capability, you know that it’s actually never yourself that matters.”

“I didn’t-”

“You did,” Jaehyun says, calm. Not accusing, Donghyuck reminds himself. He has heard Jaehyun accusing people before, and this isn’t how he speaks. He is just being truthful, being honest. Donghyuck must not take it personally, because if he did, that’d serve as another reminder of how childish he is.

And isn’t that the image that he wants to escape from?

So, Donghyuck reminds himself, again, that this is Jaehyun, and he is better at this than Donghyuck. He must have spoken out of his personal experience, meaning that Jaehyun, too, at some point has been childish, selfish, and egotistical.

This is Jaehyun helping Donghyuck, who probably reminds him of his old self, as not to let him wander alone in the dark or making decisions that will eventually lead him to regret in the future.

Even if regretting itself means that Donghyuck is learning. He makes a mental note; _right, this is part of growing up, huh, make a lot of mistakes. Embarrass yourself. Then walk, get up_. Isn’t this what life is all about?

“I did,” Donghyuck meets Jaehyun’s gaze. His is wavering, Jaehyun’s is not; it’s steady. Calm. Accepting. _Accepting_ , like Donghyuck accepting his flaw. “I was just thinking about myself. I’m scared to have someone else confirming how lacking I am. At least if it’s in my head, it doesn’t feel real, but having other people acknowledging it...”

“But now, you’re doing it, Donghyuck-ah,” Jaehyun points out. “You admit that you are being, well, selfish.”

“Weak,” he chuckles, feeling silly. “Childish. Egotistical.”

“We only think about ourselves, and it’s fine, really. Who would love ourselves if not us? People will eventually care about themselves, too. People, they come and go.” He gives Donghyuck a nod, encouraging. Supporting. “There is nothing wrong nor embarrassing about that, but remember, we are social creatures, whether you hate it or not. There are other people around us, and we must think of them, too.”

“Is this what Taeyong-hyung told you, too?” Donghyuck asks, curious.

“No, it’s from my mom, actually.”

Donghyuck cringes. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay. With all the things I said about Taeyong-hyung earlier, you would have taken it that way. Taeyong-hyung, he taught me things that my mother couldn’t, I mean,” Jaehyun’s face goes soft, like his voice. Like his eyes. He might be looking at Donghyuck, but it’s not the younger boy he’s seeing. “He _is_ Taeyong-hyung.”

Donghyuck isn’t jealous at his Hyungs’ relationship; he has Mark, after all. They’re four different people, of course their relationships would differ from one another. But, if there’s something he envies about them, is that the two have something that Donghyuck and Mark are lacking: not the romantic feeling, but the point in their life where they actually struggled together, something that only the two of them have, no matter how grave it is.

If there’s something that make their bond strong, it must be that: those days spent licking each other’s wounds - or rather, Jaehyun licking Taeyong’s, and Taeyong healing him in another way, showing Jaehyun the path he should take as so not to end up like him. Preventing any harm from befalling him, protecting him. But even then Jaehyun got hurt, because the world - as Taeyong had put it - _is fair_ , and Jaehyun would be ready.

Mark would undoubtedly tell him it’s stupid to be envious of such a thing. “We should be grateful we never had to experience something like that, Donghyuck-ah. Plus, it doesn’t make us any less.” he could almost hear his best friend’s voice, down to the intonation and the incredulous expression on his face.

Donghyuck agrees, there’s no use comparing yourself to someone else. Everyone has a different story, young Mark had told an even younger Donghyuck. You live your own to the fullest, but, remember to pay attention and be kind to people who surround you, regardless of their story.

But Donghyuck is only human, and it’s in his nature to feel jealous, to want for something he doesn’t have. It should be okay, right? As long as he doesn’t turn nasty over it. So right now, watching as many emotions color Jaehyun’s face, Donghyuck allows himself to be _human_ \- to be jealous.

Will the day he meets someone who can illustrate so many things, even things he never experienced himself, eventually come? If such a day, such a day when he can meet someone who can make him kinder and inspire him to be something more than his current self, eventually comes, will Donghyuck even realize that it’s going to be a meeting that will change his life forever?

Donghyuck prays for his future self to not be ignorant. Donghyuck wishes, fervently, for a version of himself that he’s yet to be, so that when that day comes, he will more courageous than what he’s being now. He-

“Sorry, err, we’re deviating from our topic here. It’s supposed to be about you and-”

“Yerim.” Donghyuck laughs, something bubbling up in his chest. His mouth quirks upward into a grin. He feels excited, suddenly, his head abuzz. _Of course, of course, how could he be so fucking blind_ \- “It’s about Yerim-noona. It’s, I would feel hurt knowing that if I cannot help her, that means I have to endure seeing her in pain.”

“Yes, exactly. It’s not about you, Donghyuck-ah, but at the same time, it’s also about you,” Jaehyun affirms for him. For his sake. Maybe for both of them, he doesn’t know. “So, it’s okay for you to be afraid. But don’t let that fear control you. That’s why I figured, if what’s stopping me was my mind-”

“Then I should just stop thinking at all,” Donghyuck finishes for him, elated. He still cannot stop the frency building up within him. A realization. An epiphany. This is it, this must be _it_ ; that moment that will change his life forever.

This is the time for him to be brave.

“Because even if that’s not what Noona would want me to do, that’s what _I_ wanna do, right? It’s not about me, but it’s also about me!”

Donghyuck catches the reflection of himself in Jaehyun’s eyes; smiling, so bright-eyed, a reminiscence of his younger, naive self. Him whom he probably dearly missed himself, him who didn’t know better about how cruel and just the world can be.

Lee Donghyuck, whose world revolves around him and his friends; Mark and Yerim included. Lee Donghyuck who only knew love and frivolous fun. The fearless Lee Donghyuck who knew the hardship of competition and the  malice it could bring him, but was foreign that even then, that the prejudice from people you know is nothing compared to strangers who’ve never even seen you personally at all.

Donghyuck says _hello_ to his former self. The witty, courageous boy with nothing but passion so resilient burning in his eyes. He might be growing up, has changed, but it doesn’t mean he should forget or deny who he was. Maybe he had accidentally left that part of himself, hating how naive he was that he could let something bad happen to him.

He shouldn’t have done it. For that, Donghyuck apologizes, to himself, to that boy with sun shining in his eyes, and its fiery passion running in his veins. This is another point in his life, time to choose another path to take, and unlike the last time, Donghyuck will take his old self along.

To be brave, to be courageous. That even if you’re hurt from it, you still have the faith in the fairness of life; with the good, comes the bad.

Even if now his sun has sunk, the day when it will rise again will surely come.

“You understand,” Jaehyun says, looking proud, sounding just as proud. “You get it, now, Donghyuck-ah? It’s okay, everything is okay; your fear, your selfishness; _it’s okay_. They’re just inside your head, you don’t know how it’s actually going to be until you put it out there for someone else to interpret it.”

Donghyuck nods enthusiastically, feeling as proud of himself as Jaehyun does. “Because you understand, Hyung, really. I don’t think I could do it without you.”

“I’m glad I could help.” Jaehyun detangles their hands to ruffle his hair again, gentle and affectionate. “Even knowing this, it won’t be easy, maybe. But, I hope everything will be alright for you in the end.”

“I will be,” Donghyuck says, so much conviction in his voice. Confidence he was lacking just minutes ago. “And while I believe I will be, I should text Yerim-noona now.”

Jaehyun laughs, another ruffle, then pats Donghyuck on the shoulder. “Yeah, you should, better do it now before you change your mind.”

“I probably will if I _think_ again.” The younger boy rolls out of his bed, then takes his phone that’s been lying abandoned on the desk.

Donghyuck opens the messaging app, feeling Jaehyun’s warmly encouraging gaze on his back. He scrolls down his contacts to find Yerim’s name, still saved as _Yerim-noona_ , not _Yeri._ That’s her stage name, not the name of _noona_ who’d let Donghyuck taste the joy of youth like they’re not trainees of the most respectable talent agency in their country, who’re basically making friends with enemies.

Once he opens the chat box, his fingers hover hesitantly over the screen. Donghyuck lets the doubt linger, lets the fear consume him, but only for a while. He feels his old self squeezing his shoulders. He feels Jaehyun’s silent support at his back. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and,

 _Noona, it’s me. Donghyuck_.

:::

Donghyuck doesn’t get his reply until the morning of December 31st. New Year’s Eve. Yerim is turning 20 this night, and Donghyuck is still a year behind her. Younger. Left behind, again.

But then there’s these replies saved in his phone, and with that, Donghyuck thinks, he’s stepping closer to the gate of adulthood.

Next year, it will be his time. Next year, hopefully, he can proudly say it, in front of Yerim, in front of Mark, in front of his other Hyungs, even.

That he can be an adult like he is now, is all thanks to them. And this time, they don’t have to worry about depending on him, because Donghyuck will be a respectable adult like they all had taught him to be.

For now, he will be content with these replies and the gentle ruffle of his hair, as he prays that his last year of adolescence will be kinder to him.

:::

_Noona, it’s me Donghyuck._

_I’m sorry._

_For what happened._

_You shouldn’t think much about it._

_They don’t know you._

_You are a lot better than they wish they could ever be._

_So_

_I just want to say_

_You will be fine._

_We will be._

_And, I might not be. I’m still a child. But it’s my last year as one, maybe that’s why Noona cannot trust me to help you_

_Next year_

_I’m not saying you’re wrong for not depending on me_

_And it’s not my fault either I’m younger_

_But, uh, what I’m trying to say is_

_But even then!_

_If you need anyone_

_I will try to help_

_Even if I might not be able to_

_Eurgh this is difficult_

_You get what I mean, right?_

 

_Noona_

_I just don’t want to see you sad_

_You will be okay_

_I promise_

_And as long as I can help, I’m willing to help you._

 

_Silly Donghyuckie, I thought who was it, bombarding my chat in the morning XD_

_Thank you :)_

_Donghyuckie doesn’t have to be an adult to help me_

_Just with Donghyuckie being like this, I already feel better_

_Thank you :) :) :)_

_There’s been a lot going on, and we didn’t have much time together as of late. But next year, let’s hang out a lot, okay?_

_Noona has missed out a lot, our Donghyuckkie is already so big <3 _

_We have Gayo today, right? Fighting! Noona is cheering for you <3 <3 <3 _

_So, please, cheer me on too :)_

:::

“Are you asleep yet?”

“No.”

“Still texting Yerim?”

“No,” Donghyuck huffs, “it’s Mark. He’s still sulking that I asked you instead of him.”

Jaehyun laughs,  too loud for this time of the day. It’s close to dawn, actually, but they had been partying, and Taeyong had been tipsy enough to allow them be ‘deviant’ for once. Donghyuck suspects Jaehyun had _a hand_ in this. Not that he’s gonna tell anyone.

Seeing as there’s actually a snoring Lee Taeyong in his bed, fast asleep despite the noise his lover made, the probability of Donghyuck’s hunch being real is getting more accurate.

“Even Taeyong-hyung sulks sometimes.”

“Right, and they’re supposed to be the _Hyung_.” Donghyuck sighs in frustration, punching the keys on his screen. “He just turned 20, for God’s sake.”

“Like I said,” there’s a rustle, a soft yawn, and Jaehyun’s voice is growing quieter. “It’s foolish to think about who’s older and younger.”

“Because the world is fair, huh?”

There is no answer; Jaehyun has fallen asleep. Maybe. Donghyuck doesn’t know because he’s too preoccupied with trying to dissuade Mark from his childish anger.

 _Really,_ he thinks amusedly, _world is really fair_.


End file.
